It’s 2am and you’re a mess.
Something is hurting you deep inside if you can’t let go of that glass of wine. You pour yourself another and pretend your scars aren’t a part of who you are. Your smile may glitter the surface but your blood shot eyes tell another story. You wince and wrinkle your nose when you look in the mirror. Every error every glitch you wish you could fix. If only you could see you have a heart of gold and a mind so intricate you could paint a picture with your dreams.
What are you afraid of? Speak to me. Let me in. Let me break down this wall you’ve built around yourself. Maybe I can tell you what is wrong or what is right. Your mind is a powerful fortress. It can and will destroy you if you deem yourself unworthy. If you believe every cruel remark that has come your way. Don’t call yourself these names. You put yourself down and throw yourself in the gutter when you should be rejoicing for all of the things you have conquered, and the things you have yet to do. Cover yourself in glitter and know that you shine brighter than a supernova.
I sit here looking at you and you don’t open your mouth. Your shoulders are hunched and you’re shivering. I can’t solve you. I can’t help you unless you help yourself. I have seen you hurting. I don’t think anyone truly knows self loathing until they have covered their mouth with a shaking hand, their body trembles and nothing comes out. Not a sound. Just tears that resonate deep within the soul. You could be crying for what could have been, or for no reason at all. It is the most haunting experience to feel everything at once. Anxiety, fear, and doubts. Everything is fine until you’re left alone in the dark surrounded by your own thoughts. I am not here to speak of nightmares. I speak of your own mind working against you. It can destroy you more than anything ever could. Maybe it is just a nightmare. You might just wake up. You might stay awake not knowing what reality is and what the truth is. To be trapped in such a prison is a lonely place indeed.
I want to rip through the exterior of small fears to get to the deep meaning. Perhaps you’re afraid of yourself. Utterly terrified. Of what you may or may not become. You aren’t weak. You just lack confidence. You once told me you were insecure, that the insecurities would soon devour you. You blame yourself for every mishap, every failure. You can’t forgive yourself. You cannot walk down the street unless you’re looking at the pavement. Sometimes you’re afraid to even go outside. If you can’t take care of yourself then how can anyone else try to? You push people away to ensure your safety and to know you have two feet firmly on the ground. I cannot fathom a life repeating the same cycle of letting a stranger know your secrets then have them disappear leaving the pages you wrote to them ripped from your core. You sang a song and no one sung back. I guess I don’t want to hear about happiness with another person. I need it for myself and myself only. Are you afraid of been alone? Keep yourself distanced and don’t let anyone touch the tip of your delicate soul. The last few years you’ve relied on the feeling of been wanted. Of knowing someone actually gave a shit. That maybe someone could love such a complex person. People should either come closer or stay away, having them inbetween is exhausting. They all gave up on you and now you’ve given up on yourself. Maybe advice we give to others is advice we wish we had given ourselves in a past life and I’ve learnt, yes I’ve learnt. If you don’t love yourself you’ll always run around chasing people who don’t love you back. They don’t want to know your middle name or your problems. You’re better than that.
Your sanity is more important than a body filled with empty promises. Is that it, you’re afraid you aren’t normal? If anybody calls you crazy it’s because they know nothing about you and they don’t have the decency or patience to understand. We put labels on ourselves to make sense of it, to cure it, to fix it. Only those close to us know our personal battles. We should not fight it alone. If only there was more compassion in the world. We should bathe in it and lather ourselves with patience and kindness. Give everything you have in life, in friendships, in failure and defeat. Don’t let the past put a shadow over your future. Your downfalls do not define you. They build you up and make you stronger. I know you will do great things. I’m here for you if you need me. We could talk for hours or say nothing at all. Basking in the silence. Solitude is far more comforting than lonliness.
If you breakdown take all the time you need, and when you can’t bear to be around yourself just know I find your company a pleasure.
You’re not nothing.
It’s 3am and I hope you feel more at peace.